Why Challenging Behaviors Happen—and What to Do

• May 21, 2025
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Key Highlights

• Challenging behaviors in autism are often a form of communication, not defiance.
• Understanding the “why” behind a behavior is the first step toward meaningful change.
• Behaviors such as aggression, elopement, and meltdowns often serve a function—like escaping discomfort or gaining attention.
• Not all strategies work for all children; behavioral support must be personalized.
• Families play a vital role in reducing challenging behaviors by creating consistency at home.
• With the right approach and patience, these behaviors can improve over time.

When I sit down with parents—whether in Charlotte, Raleigh, or a quiet living room in rural Carolina—I often hear the same question, though it’s asked in different ways:
“Why is my child acting like this? What am I doing wrong?”

If you’re noticing meltdowns, aggression, sudden outbursts, or defiance that seems to come out of nowhere, I want to pause right there.

Because what you’re seeing—what we call challenging behaviors in autism—is not a failure on your part. And it’s not a sign that your child is broken.

It’s communication.

And once we begin to understand what those behaviors are saying, everything changes.

What are Challenging Behaviors in Autism?

Behaviors With a Purpose, Not Just a Problem

When we say “challenging behaviors,” we’re talking about actions that are disruptive, harmful, or emotionally overwhelming for the child and others. These behaviors often include:

• Hitting, biting, kicking, or pinching
• Screaming or emotional meltdowns
• Running away (elopement)
• Head banging or other self-injury
• Throwing objects or destroying items
• Refusing to comply with directions
• Disruptive repetitive behaviors

These behaviors aren’t random. They’re a child’s attempt to solve a problem they can’t express in other ways. That problem might be sensory, emotional, communicative, or social—but it’s real.

The “Why” Behind Challenging Behaviors

Behavior Has a Function

In my work, I use a simple but powerful framework: the ABCs of behavior.

• A = Antecedent: What happened just before the behavior?
• B = Behavior: What exactly did the child do?
• C = Consequence: What happened right after?

By carefully observing these ABCs, we can figure out what your child is trying to achieve—or avoid.

Common Reasons Behind Challenging Behaviors:

• To get attention: Positive or negative, attention is attention.
• To escape: Avoiding tasks, people, environments, or feelings.
• To access something: A toy, food, screen, or preferred activity.
• To self-soothe: Managing sensory overload or internal discomfort.

In autism spectrum disorder, these functions are even more important to consider, because traditional forms of communication and coping may not be accessible yet.

A Real Example from My Work

I once worked with a 6-year-old boy who would slam doors and scream every time it was time to put on his shoes for school. At first glance, this looked like classic defiance.

But through careful observation, we realized he was trying to avoid going to school—not because he didn’t like learning, but because his bus ride was long, loud, and deeply upsetting to his senses.

Once we added noise-canceling headphones, adjusted the timing of his morning routine, and practiced coping strategies in therapy, the behavior disappeared. He didn’t need discipline—he needed support.

What Parents Can Do at Home

Simple Ways to Respond More Effectively

Here are a few practical ways you can respond to challenging behaviors at home:

• Stay curious, not reactive. Ask yourself: What might be going on underneath this moment?
• Use simple, predictable routines. Many kids with autism thrive when they know what’s coming.
• Limit language in the moment. Keep directions brief and calm, especially when your child is escalated.
• Teach what to do instead. If a child hits when frustrated, show and practice asking for help or taking a break.
• Reinforce the positive. Celebrate even small moments of success with lots of warmth and encouragement.

Consistency is key—but so is grace. You won’t always get it right. What matters is the ongoing effort to understand and support your child.

What Doesn’t Work—and What We Can Let Go Of

Avoid These Common Pitfalls:

• Punishment without understanding. Time-outs and threats may stop the behavior momentarily, but they don’t address the root cause.
• Ignoring the signs. If you see patterns (like meltdowns during transitions), don’t wait—patterns are clues.
• Expecting maturity before development. Just because a child is 10 doesn’t mean they can handle a situation like a typical 10-year-old.
• Trying to go it alone. This is complex work. Collaboration—at school, in ABA therapy, and at home—is essential.

When It’s Time to Ask for Help

I’ve worked with children whose behaviors seemed impossible to change—but they weren’t. Once we understood the “why,” we could make real, lasting progress. And for many families, that turning point came when they reached out for support.

If you’re in North Carolina and feeling like you need help figuring out your child’s challenging behaviors, I invite you to reach out to Kids N Heart. We offer personalized ABA therapy services that’s centered around understanding—not controlling—your child’s unique needs.

Our team partners with families to create a plan that works in real life, at your pace, and with your values. Whether you’re just beginning your autism journey or navigating tough behaviors after years of trying, we’re here to walk with you.

Reach out to Kids N Heart today!

FAQs 

How do I know if a behavior is “serious” or just typical autism behavior?

Every child is different. But if a behavior is interfering with learning, safety, relationships, or emotional wellbeing, it deserves attention—regardless of how common it is.

Can my child grow out of these behaviors?

Some behaviors may reduce naturally with age, but many require support. Behaviors often serve a need, and unless we teach better ways to meet that need, the behavior may stick around—or change into something else.

What if nothing seems to work?

It’s okay to feel stuck. Some behaviors are deeply rooted or reinforced over time. This is when partnering with a trained behavioral therapist can help untangle the situation and offer practical solutions.

Sources:

• https://www.in.gov/fssa/ddrs/files/AssistedSupports_BS_BT_ABC_V2.pdf
• https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9324526/
• https://www.kennedykrieger.org/stories/interactive-autism-network-ian/challenging-behaviors
• https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/distressed-behaviour/all-audiences
• https://www.autismspeaks.org/behavioral-resources